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Shaffer Excluded as 1998 MacArthur "Genius"
Fellowship Awards Falls Short
||For more info contact:
|June 2, 1998
||Ima Lyar, CEO,
||(916) 555-LIAR (5127)
|For immediate release
SACARAMENTO, CA. (UPINMYI) Any reader/listener/viewer
of the popular press is well aware that the 1998 so-called "genius
awards" from the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation --
that provide "no strings attached" funding to allow recipients to
explore their chosen areas of interest -- were awarded earlier this
week. Among the 29 recipients selected were a local (Davis, CA)
neuroscientist studying the cerebral cortex and brain adaption,
a developer of the World Wide Web, a cattleman, and a astrophysicist
working to measure the density of the universe.
In a tersely worded statement, looked
over genius Gregory "Shafe" Shaffer stated, "Well, La-Dee Frickin'
Da!" Shaffer went on to say, "It's all got to do with friends nominating
you, and my friends have to get their child-raising, work-doin',
elderly-parent-takin'-care-of heads out of their collective buttocks."
Shaffer referring to the fact MacArthur "Genius" Grant recipients
can not nominated themselves, and that a world-wide group of 100
persons who do the nominating remain anonymous. Shaffer appears
to believe these 100 anonymous nominators can be swayed by letters
from friends of potential awardees.
"I'm out here day in and day out quietly
practicing my own particular brand of genius, living the life that
is love, and I do not so much as get a lousy $300,000 grant after
42 plus years of living," Shaffer stated. "My friends seem to have
time to buy Beanie Babies for their kids, to see Titanic for the
fifth time, to change their oil, to eat lousy Caesar Salads, to
make a living --- but take twenty hours and invest a few thousand
dollars in getting me nominated?? NOOOOO!!!! Their lives are too
busy to help someone else!," Shaffer lamented.
Sources that spoke on the condition
of anonymity stated, "Shafe is serious considering cancelling his
annual first Saturday of December Holiday Party, and his famous
Camp Heebeejeebeewebehavin'fun if things don't change next near.
I haven't seen him this upset since the Archies and Herman's Hermits
cancelled their 1972 concert tour. He's a devastated man, who feels
let down by his friends. He's turning to roller skating... his car
CD is full of rap music... he's eating more vegetables...he's drinking
tea with Echinacea... bottom line, he is clearly distressed and
"The anonymous source -- dubbed Deep
Uvula by the media -- concluded, "If you want to see one of the
most mediocre minds of our generation wasted, then do nothing. But,
if you let love bloom into the powerful aphrodisiac that is enchilada
casserole on a warm summer's night than you, me, all of us, must
begin now our campaign for "Shafe is Fine in '99" so that on the
dawn of the next millennium the true genius of the world -- not
these namby pamby neuroscientist, physicist, doctors, and goody-two-shoes
environment saviors -- received some cold hard cash."
At the end of his released statement,
Shaffer noted in his brilliant, yet barely readable handwriting,
"La-Dee Frickin' Da!"