Compulsion to Create
Gregory S. Shaffer
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Shaffer Excluded as 1998 MacArthur "Genius"
Fellowship Awards Falls Short

PRESS RELEASE For more info contact:
June 2, 1998 Ima Lyar, CEO,
Lyar Communications (916) 555-LIAR (5127)
For immediate release  

SACARAMENTO, CA. (UPINMYI) Any reader/listener/viewer of the popular press is well aware that the 1998 so-called "genius awards" from the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation -- that provide "no strings attached" funding to allow recipients to explore their chosen areas of interest -- were awarded earlier this week. Among the 29 recipients selected were a local (Davis, CA) neuroscientist studying the cerebral cortex and brain adaption, a developer of the World Wide Web, a cattleman, and a astrophysicist working to measure the density of the universe.

In a tersely worded statement, looked over genius Gregory "Shafe" Shaffer stated, "Well, La-Dee Frickin' Da!" Shaffer went on to say, "It's all got to do with friends nominating you, and my friends have to get their child-raising, work-doin', elderly-parent-takin'-care-of heads out of their collective buttocks." Shaffer referring to the fact MacArthur "Genius" Grant recipients can not nominated themselves, and that a world-wide group of 100 persons who do the nominating remain anonymous. Shaffer appears to believe these 100 anonymous nominators can be swayed by letters from friends of potential awardees.

"I'm out here day in and day out quietly practicing my own particular brand of genius, living the life that is love, and I do not so much as get a lousy $300,000 grant after 42 plus years of living," Shaffer stated. "My friends seem to have time to buy Beanie Babies for their kids, to see Titanic for the fifth time, to change their oil, to eat lousy Caesar Salads, to make a living --- but take twenty hours and invest a few thousand dollars in getting me nominated?? NOOOOO!!!! Their lives are too busy to help someone else!," Shaffer lamented.

Sources that spoke on the condition of anonymity stated, "Shafe is serious considering cancelling his annual first Saturday of December Holiday Party, and his famous Camp Heebeejeebeewebehavin'fun if things don't change next near. I haven't seen him this upset since the Archies and Herman's Hermits cancelled their 1972 concert tour. He's a devastated man, who feels let down by his friends. He's turning to roller skating... his car CD is full of rap music... he's eating more vegetables...he's drinking tea with Echinacea... bottom line, he is clearly distressed and depressed.

"The anonymous source -- dubbed Deep Uvula by the media -- concluded, "If you want to see one of the most mediocre minds of our generation wasted, then do nothing. But, if you let love bloom into the powerful aphrodisiac that is enchilada casserole on a warm summer's night than you, me, all of us, must begin now our campaign for "Shafe is Fine in '99" so that on the dawn of the next millennium the true genius of the world -- not these namby pamby neuroscientist, physicist, doctors, and goody-two-shoes environment saviors -- received some cold hard cash."

At the end of his released statement, Shaffer noted in his brilliant, yet barely readable handwriting, "La-Dee Frickin' Da!"

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